A Wishful Fantasy of the Current West Wing's Dysfunction - From Inc.
Based on recent news coming out of the West Wing, here is a theoretical conversation that might be happening between top White House officials.
INT. HALLWAY OF THE WEST WING. WE SEE A DOOR AND HEAR VOICES BEHIND IT.
VOICE 1: Again? We had Thai on Tuesday. How about Chinese?
VOICE 2: Wait? Tuesday? What day is today?
VOICE 3: Thursday.
VOICE 1: Jesus. Feels like it's been a month since we had Thai.
VOICE 3: Well I'm good with Chinese. Or even pizza.
INT. WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF'S OFFICE. WE SEE STEVE BANNON, JARED KUSHNER, IVANKA TRUMP, ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI, KELLYANNE CONWAY AND SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS CROWDED AROUND A COUCH AND A FEW CHAIRS. NEW CHIEF OF STAFF JOHN KELLY IS SITTING AT HIS DESK.
BANNON: What do you guys think Reince is doing right now?
CONWAY: Probably on George Soros' private plane to Ibiza or Cannes or somewhere not here.
Kushner shakes his head remorsefully.
KUSHNER: He's so lucky he got himself written off the show.
Looks at Ivanka.
KUSHNER (CONT'D): We're stuck here till the end.
Ivanka grimaces. Kelly looks at his computer screen.
KELLY: Shit. He's coming.
BANNON: I got this.
Stands up. Rolls up his sleeves and starts screaming.
BANNON (CONT'D): Screw you Jared. You think big daddy's gonna save you this time? We know you were in that meeting and before I'm done, Hannity's gonna know it, Muller's gonna know it. Shit, I'm even gonna tell McCain.
EXT. CHIEF OF STAFF'S OFFICE. WE SEE TRUMP WALKING DOWN THE HALLWAY, TRAILED BY HOPE HICKS AND SIX SECRET SERVICE AGENTS. HE SLOWS BY KELLYS DOOR TO LISTEN.
INT. KELLY'S OFFICE
Bannon points furiously at Kushner. Mouths "Go! Go!"
KUSHNER: Steve - I was here before you got here. I'll be here long after you're gone. So do whatever you want. Leak whatever you want. At the end of the day, I've got the Trump card. Literally.
Bannon points at Ivanka. Mouths "You!"
IVANKA: Not so fast my love. You're a Kushner. You're married into this family. I was here before any of you. I'll be here after all of you. So don't threaten anyone like you were born into this family.
And Steve, stay away from my husband.
EXT. KELLY'S OFFICE. WE SEE TRUMP STANDING RIGHT BY THE DOOR WITH A BIG GRIN ON HIS FACE. AS HE HEARS IVANKA YELLING, HE THROWS A ONE TWO COMBINATION IN THE AIR THAT LARRY HOLMES TAUGHT HIM. HE REACHES TOWARDS THE DOORKNOB TO ENTER THE ROOM, THEN PAUSES, THINKS BETTER OR IT, AND HEADS DOWN THE HALL TO THE OVAL OFFICE.
INT. KELLY'S OFFICE.
Kelly gives the high sign. Scaramucci wipes his brow.
SCARAMUCCI: Shit, that was close. We need a better detection system.
CONWAY: Don't worry about that right now. He's entering the Oval. You know what that means.
The group all says in unison "Eight hours of tv and tweeting."
CONWAY (CONT'D): Right. So we've got some programming to do.
Conway, Sanders Huckabee and Scaramucci all pull out their phones and start texting, tweeting and calling people. Kelly looks at Bannon.
KELLY: What are they doing?
BANNON: TV programming. We know the boss is going to watch FOX, CNN and MSNBC for the rest of the night. And maybe a few minutes of The Love Boat.
Bannon shakes his head, mutters "It'd be so much easier if Fred Gandy were still in town."
BANNON: So either we keep him preoccupied watching the drama unfold on tv or he actually tries to start governing.
KELLY: So all of this? The leaking? The in-fighting? The backstabbing? It's all just to keep him distracted?
KUSHNER: Of course. Think of all the crazy shit he does even when we are keeping him busy. Imagine if we gave him time to think?
Kelly looks skeptically at Ivanka.
KELLY: You're okay with all this? Your own father?
IVANKA: Whose idea do you think it was? I've been at this for 35 years. It didn't matter when we thought he was just going to be in some debates and drop out of the primaries in February. But once we realized he could win?
Kelly shakes his head. Scaramucci, Huckabee Sanders and Conway are all still on their phones, furiously leaking, backstabbing and boasting. We hear Scaramucci say "85 million? Please. That's just what the government knows about. "
KELLY: So how long do we need to keep this up? I've only been here three and a half days and it's exhausting. I'd rather be back in Kandahar.
BANNON: Join the club. Honestly, I couldn't believe you left the cabinet to do this.
KELLY: Why didn't you warn me?
Conway looks up from her phone.
CONWAY: We thought you knew. You were running the Department of Homeland Security. You guys are supposed to know everything. You couldn't see through the equivalent of an eighth grade production of The Lion King?
KELLY: I can't believe I'm stuck here. Maybe I can tube the confirmation of whoever he puts at DHS next. Force them to send me back.
KUSHNER: See! You're getting it already! The more you throw your colleagues under the bus, the more he stays entertained!
KELLY: And the more he stays entertained, the less time he has to think for himself.
BANNON: But Reince did six months of hard labor. I mean, shit, really hard labor. Health care. The Russia stuff. The Boy Scouts at the end? Stroke of genius. That's plenty for one person. Sean had it even worse. So other than those two --
Jerks his head towards Jared and Ivanka.
BANNON (CONT'D): We're all ahead of you in line to get out of here. I'm getting fired in September. Kellyanne's already claimed October. Sarah and Anthony are new like you so they can't leave till next year.
KELLY: You mean I have to be part of this charade for a whole year? When do I get to actually, you know, be Chief of Staff? Serve my country?
SCARAMUCCI: What do you think this is? If keeping this lunatic away from the football isn't patriotism, I don't know what is.
Everyone nods in agreement.
KELLY: Who else knows bout this? Pence?
Everyone nods yes.
KELLY (CONT'D): The First Lady?
We hear Ivanka say "obviously" off camera. Kelly looks at her.
KELLY (CONT'D): What about your brother?
IVANKA: Which one?
KELLY: The one in the news lately.
IVANKA: Fredo? No. He'd tell dad in a heartbeat. Eric knows.
BANNON: Looks hard at Kelly
We need to keep this tight. I don't know what kind of message discipline you had in the Army, but this is a serious campaign here. A lot is at stake. Like literally everything.
We hear Scaramucci in the background again saying, "Kelly? He's just a figurehead. In fact, I heard he speaks Russian. And he owns 3% of the Nets."
Bannon looks at Kelly expectantly.
BANNON (CONT'D): Well? You're just gonna take that? Get to work. Start calling reporters and talking shit about Anthony. You think the President is just going to remain distracted by himself?
Kelly pulls out his phone. Bannon grins, slaps him on the back, picks up the remote and turns on MSNBC. "I love Rachel Maddow" he says to himself.
FADE TO BLACK.